65 Days to the Election: Pita's Tongue-in-Cheek Take on Politics, Money and Rural Life
Pita’s perspective…
What Politicians Say (And What They Really Mean)
Every election brings the same lines from politicians and their supporters. Here's Pita's translation of the rhetoric we'll all be hearing over the next 65 days:
"Just look at our record" — That won't take long.
"We need another term" — Like we need another hole in the head.
"We are not overpaid" — At $181,200 a year, are you joking?
"We understand money" — You are lucky we don't have any.
"Your health is our health" — What world are you in?
"We can't keep making losses" — But somehow, you do.
"We all need more income" — Finally, we are on the same page.
"It is time for a change" — Just leads to a bigger financial loss.
"We must stop the brain drain to Australia" — We already live in Australia.
"Children are expensive and we can help" — Dreamland.
"We need more immigration" — Absolute dumb bum.
"Listen to us" — I have not worked for 30 years.
"We will balance the budget" — And pigs will fly overhead.
"The cost of housing must come down" — Another dreamer.
"We will control interest rates" — Leader of the dream team.
"The New Zealand fertility rate is too low" — We are doing our best.
"We have experience in the cost of living" — Yes, that is obvious.
"Job Seeker Allowance is making a difference" — Yes, the cost is climbing steadily.
"Unemployment is much too high" — Yes, you caused it.
"New Zealand needs more children" — We need more money.
"You must plan for retirement" — What with? Think fairy dust.
"The country does not need cash now" — I love my ATM.
"Do you want to work for 4 days or 6 days a week" — Difficult choice. Let me think…
"The country needs a cash surplus" — Not as much as I do.
"Marriage solves a lot of issues" — Forget the jokes.
"With us, you could retire at 50 years of age" — Presumably guaranteed lotto.
"We understand your position" — That's good, because I don't.
"Costs must decrease" — We need to breed from this party.
"Millionaires are now two a penny" — Not in my suburb.
"Men need cold beer every day" — Only the second thing you got right.
"We invest well" — With my money.
"The world is awash with cash" — Not in my world.
"We love helping people" — It's not working here yet.
"Just look at the development we have done" — Must be on the Chatham Islands.
"We are on top of education" — At $24 billion, you should be.
"Listen to us" — Tried that 20 years ago. It didn't work.
"If we lent you $10,000 what would you do" — Pray for you.
"We keep our promises" — Only when you are not in power.
"Living in New Zealand is good" — Yes, I have been reading about this.
"Would you take a tax cut" — What a dumb question.
"The world is getting more complicated" — Not possible in my household.
"It is time for a change" — Things could hardly be worse.
Everyday Life, Money and Marriage: The Real Questions
Beyond the political circus, Pita turns his attention to the day-to-day realities of life, money, farming and family — with the same tongue-in-cheek honesty:
Are you enjoying your work? — Only on pay day.
What happens if you default on your mortgage? — No change from the status quo.
Are you married? — I thought I was?
How many children is too many? — One.
Do you like working on Monday? — Look forward to it.
How do you cope with high power bills? — More jerseys.
Is your house water good to drink? — Only if there's no cold beer.
If you had another chance what would you do? — Stay with Mum and Dad.
How far away is your local pub? — 487.25 metres. A 52.5 second drive.
What do you invest in? — Groceries.
How long is your normal day? — 26 hours.
Do you read what government writes about? — Woman's Weekly has better pictures.
What does golf cost you? — $1.21 per shot.
Is this your first marriage? — Yes, so far.
Can government really help you? — No, not the way they are going.
Do you like MMP? — Is that the one that "makes more pain"?
How often do you go to Australia? — Every night on YouTube.
Have you seen anyone in jail? — Yes — me.
Do you think you will get to 95 years old? — Not in this world.
How many times have you been to the doctor? — Only once, when my spouse took me.
If you had more children what would happen? — Divorce.
What happens on long weekends? — Pub, pub, pub.
Do you share the housework? — In my mind, yes.
If government helped you with your power bill, what would you do? — Sell some jerseys.
Whose electorate are you in? — My own.
Have you ever written to your local MP? — No. They can't read.
Do you prefer a slow-thinking MP? — Yes, but 100 of them is enough.
Is your spouse better educated than you? — Apparently.
What operates best in your household? — Glue.
Do you get on with your parents-in-law? — I did once. For ten minutes.
Are your children more intelligent than you? — I hope so.
Do you read a lot? — Pictures only.
Do you get on well with your bank manager? — Yes, we did — 50 years ago.
Is there a voting booth near you? — Yes, in my pub.
Do you like democracy? — Not sure. What does it "taste" like?
Why did you stop work? — I was going backwards financially.
How would you describe yourself? — A thinker drinker.
Do you have a current address? — Yes, on cloud nine.
All the mail the IRD sends you keeps coming back unopened — why? — That's amazing.
When does your bank overdraft hit credit? — Only in my mind.
How long have you been married? — 424 days plus 4 hours.
Your previous vote was invalid — why? — I voted for Genghis Kahn.
Would you like to speak at our annual meeting? — Yes, but you couldn't afford me.
Do you feel you and your spouse need a marriage counsellor? — Spouse is a marriage counsellor.
How do you pay for your groceries? — I sell blood.
What is your view of heaven? — A pub that sells free beer.
At your present mortgage payment rate, what will your age be when it is repaid? — 131 years old.
Does your spouse like work? — They have to.
When you go fishing, what do you think about? — Fish.
If your boss gave you a promotion, what would you do? — I would sell it.
If the genie in your beer bottle gave you another chance, what would you be? — Inflation.
How many books a year do you read? — Minus 4.
Do you feel MPs should retire earlier? — Yes, just before entering Parliament.
Were you rude on the phone to an IRD officer recently? — Yes. I didn't like the look of them.
What is it that keeps you going in this complicated world? — Breathing, mostly.
A Light-Hearted Reminder Ahead of a Serious Decision
All jokes aside, the next 65 days will bring plenty of noise from every political party. Whatever your view of the promises on offer, the practical issues underneath the humour — the cost of living, housing, interest rates, retirement planning and running a profitable farm business — are real, and worth thinking through carefully.
If you'd like clear, straightforward advice on financial management, business planning, succession planning or any other aspect of your farm business, the team at Alexanders Rural is here to help. Get in touch with us today to talk through your situation — no fairy dust required.
DISCLAIMER
Any views or opinions expressed in this article are those of Pita Alexander only and do not reflect the views of any other person or organisation.
The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be financial advice.
Any errors or omissions are the author’s own.